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country music

beginning my freshman of college i have noticed that i always go back to how i was raised. I ditch everything i picked up from my friends along the years.

i listen to country music more than ever. i love journey like crazy, don’t get me worng, but i can’t get enough of it. i don’t know what it is, the connection? the lyrics? i really have no idea, but i’m hooked. maybe its the innocence of the music it’s self. it tells the truth even when its harder than hell to tell. and i can relate to almost every song that i hear. i don’t know what it is, it just makes me want curl up with a cup of tea and listen to the music while reading a book.

rocks. yes, the objects that are laying on the ground almost everywhere. i like them, i love them, i want some more of them. well, i’ve decieded that i’m changing my major to geology. at first i was dreading the course, but once i opened the textbook, i realized that this is the everyday thing that i’m interested in. ever since i can remember, i have been bringing home or collecting rocks. my dad always teases me about. and now i’m bringing what i love into my educational relm.

on top of everything else, i’m finding myself where i’ve always wanted to be. some of my embarresing girl ideas have come true. i’m finding that things are forming in ways i could have never imagined, but they are in the ways that i couldn’t have asked for more.

sometimes i feel gulity for what i have. it seems like something should be going wrong. and nothing is. it seems like i need to thank god or something, but at the same time im sruggling in that department too. i was raised in a church when i was young enough to notice the lady carrying around snakes and that only. i’m completely lost in my religion class. i know its an introductory class, but it seems that everyone else knows these stories and more. sometimes i would just like a clean and straight story when i pick up the bible and read it, but everytime the professor has us read a certain chapter or section, it has multipule accounts to one event. its the most confusing thing known to man. im lost, and i feel stupid to ask for help in that department. i mean i’m at a lutheran school, you would think i at least know the basic bible stories, but i even lack there.

its been strange at college. its been a month, and in this month, i’ve learned the most important thing: i’m who i am. i love my cowboy boots. i love rocks. i love country music. i love learning. my dreams are changing. i want to journey to see rock formations. i want to know who’s going to hold me tonight. and i can’t wait for the future. you always hear that some of the most important desicions that you make in life happen in college. i’m wondering if i’ll meet mr. right, or even if i will discover something really important. but that’s all the unknown and i have pleanty of time for that.

Trace Adkins quote:

“You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this”

-You’re gonna miss this

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last time i wrote it was over a year ago. at that time in my life i was at a low spot. now, i’ve completely changed. I’m not who i used to be. i’ve succeed in finding who i want to be, or at least who i strive to be. i don’t need the high school drama to have a life.

from this past year i learned more about myself then i can express. I mainly learned that i want to feel and my goal of personal happiness still is with me. i don’t want to be controlled by someone else; i don’t want to be taken for someone or something i’m not. i don’t have to run and hide my problems and create some more. i can face them, and i can face them alone because i have realized that i am stronger than i knew.

over this past year i have learned that my friends are more than i can ask for. if i didn’t have the one’s that i do, i don’t think i could be who i am now. they helped me find out who i was and gave me support in the tuffest times of my life. they held my hands when i shared my secrets and when we graduated and had to say our good-byes.

i have no regrets. i have no judgements. that was the past and i’m looking towards the future.

i’m a college student now. i’m a freshie again, but no more high school. this is college, and i reside at california lutheran university. i’m currently a liberal studies major, but i’m looking at changing to major in geology. what can i say? well, i love rocks. and the more i study them, the more i want to know. i’m interested in them. and i would rather major in something i want to learn instead of a career that i many never want to participate in.

i love my roommates. all three of them. we basically have a small two room appartment with no kitchen. i share a room with brittany (and she is freaking amazing beyond belief), and then there is kristina and anya. they have the bigger room, and they are just as amazing.

i’m finding that i need my family still, but not in the way of constant support or stability. i’m becoming an adult and they are starting to see that too. i’m no longer the child, but the oldest who is gonig to college, and the first of her family. i’m paying for college on my own. the loans are in my name; i put in the sweat and tears to earn my grants and scholarships. i’m proud of where i out myslef.

i’m in a relationship. and i’m happy. i don’t want to know how the world spins, i just want to enjoy the ride. i’m too young to plan out the rest of my life, but i’m old enough to make my own desicions. i’m old enough to know my limits and to know when my heart is racing in excitment. i’m where i want to be. i’m who i want to be and who i want to be with.

i’m sticking with a’chun an chi. it’s my motivation. it’s my personal goal. it’s what i strive. it hasn’t failed me. it’s going to be permenant with me once i get my tattoo.

journey quote:

“Im finally out in the clear and Im free
Ive got dreams Im livin for
Im movin on where theyll never find me
Rollin on to anywhere
Ill break away, yes Im on my way
Leavin today, yes Im on my way”

-Escape

lost.

lately, i have avoided anything that involves thinking. why? well that means i think so school. and from school i drift to college thoughts. and from there i break down. im tired of thinking about college all the time.

i am tired of drama. the part that i have cause.

i got some rather unwanted news today. my reaction: i sat in the dirt and cried.

life never ceases to change. once you think that you have everything for that moment figured out, it turns upside down. i hate that your first idea is to run. and because it sounds good, you take it.

life isnt simple. and its not glamorous. i just want life to be simple. and it never is.

so it’s been quite a while since i have written any thing on this blog that i happen to have. i have kind of been swamped with school, and what ever else that i have on my plate. but i don’t care, it’s all fun and games.

but i just wrote my blog in response to Julian Beck’s feelings about Vietnam ( a Geib blog). I wrote mine, then posted it, and then read some of the other students. And wow. i feel very liberal with my point of view. a lot seem rather conservative, and what their emotions sealed in a metal case. but thats ok, its their opinion and they all deserve the respect.

but then again, i can’t judge them because it’s totally not fair. they grew up how they grew up, and i grew up how i grew up: completely different. maybe because my dad was involved with Vietnam that i am opposed to what the country did with that situation.

o well.

So once again I am doing the Miss Oak View Pageant. this is my forth  year competing, and fith if you count the year that i gave away the title as Miss Teen Oak View 2005.

That is today. at 11am are the interviews, and i’m not nervous. maybe i will be when the acutal interview is happening, but not right now. then later i get the pleasure of having my toes and hair done. then off to wait from 4-630pm for the pageant to start.

but i really don’t care about the pageant right now. i am more worried about my great grandpa and our family friend. my grandpa was told the he had the bad kind of skin cancer. so automatically i am thinking that he has melanoma. but i have now idea. we have to wait till monday and contact his doctor to find out. I’m just scared because he will be 90 in May, and he is my world. I have no idea what i would do if he was gone.

and our family friend had a minor heart attack last night. when i heard this is, i freaked out. i have been able to develop a great relationship over the last year, and i never thought that it would be here. i just keep praying.

well thats my day. dont really know what else to say. just keep plugging along. do good. I’ll tell you if i win tonight or not.

I first of all, I don’t think that America is stupid; therefore we as its citizens are not stupid. We have been given this stereotype only for the sole purpose as to entertain us, and others. 

I didn’t go the best schools in Ventura County for elementary and middle school. I went to Oak View Elementary (which became Oak View/Arnez, and is now Sunset Elementary) and De Anza. I didn’t have horrible teachers, and many of them were okay, but I did have Jessica Kiernann. She changed my life to where I wanted to learn, and everyone else did too. At De Anza, there were many who didn’t care, and there were a few who did. Mrs. Kiernann took 40 or so students, and created a master piece. She taught us how to write; use grammar correctly; appreciate what we have; to strive for our best abilities; don’t put yourself down; and be the best you can be. She over prepared us for high school by essay, a four year plan, and gave us the confidence we needed to survive. 

I took her words and lived by them for high school. She helped me realize that I want to be a teacher. For a teacher is the one who prepares children for the rest of their life. But I have become skeptical about teaching, I do have to admit. I don’t want stupid rules (like standards) to weigh me down, or prevent me from teaching the kids. I want kids to have the best education as they possibly can.  It just seems that our stupid country, and its greedy love for money, is ruining how we, and mainly how the young one’s will be educated. So if the Teacher’s Union is supposed to help teachers, why doesn’t it? Or maybe I should really be asking: why do teachers teach? Is because they want to have summers off, as well as a break for winter and spring? Do they really what to teach the citizens that are eventually going to run the country? 

 If the teachers want to teach, and the students want to learn, then it’s a match made in heaven. That’s just not the reality. The teachers should want to be the one’s leading America, and let’s face it: they do. Teachers influence, lead, support, guide, tutor, supply, and teach children just as much as their own parents do. So we should be asking the Teachers Union to give the benefits to the teachers. So what do they need? Every union has their stupid fees, but they need to reward teachers. Teachers should receive more then they do now, every where among the country. And maybe if their tests scores are good they get a bonus, who knows. They just deserve more then they have now.  And teachers need to be prepared. Not only for teaching (ie – they skills to teach and not naming names), but the supplies to run classrooms. So many schools are ill-ed supplied that teachers reach into their own pockets constantly to pay for thing that “the budget can not afford”. 

Now to the students. It doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor, in a good neighborhood or bad, there are always students who want to do well. On Oprah today I saw a NFL super bowl player (however you say that) who struggled to eat and live, but focused long and hard on school and football. And from that, he went to Harvard. Now, that’s not all of us, but why can’t we all strive to learn as much as we can? We all are in public school, its not like we are paying thousands to barely learn.  

The reason that people are calling America stupid is the fact of the students. And I hate to say it, but it’s true. So often now, kids cheat. We all now this, but that doesn’t seem to stop some. What students need is a commitment, what I don’t know, but they need one. Almost like an Honor Code, as that one high school did whose kids repeatedly cheated. But that won’t save the children.  So, if it’s a battle for teachers to receive what they truly do, then they should get it. And if it’s a battle for students to continue to learn to the best of their abilities, then they should. What I am trying to say is that we live in this country, so why not take the freedoms, liberties and right that we have and utilize them?

Feb 16th, 2007

the night was simply amazing.

michael took me to the beach to see the sunset.

im happy to say its 1 year together.

 

 

 

 

 

i love this.