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Archive for October, 2008

If I were a boy…

My friend showed me this song my Beyonce and i just cant get it out of my head. it’s call “if i were a boy”.

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy

i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach like something isnt right. i cant pin-point it, but im hurting. im not my self right now. all i want to do is sleep and forget out whats happening in my life. its only been this week. and i can’t take this. its not a part of my plan. im her to learn, not to hurt. im female and emotional, but an unexplainable feeling is just not cool. i keep checking my phone expecting for something to happen. but nothing is. and its all full of buts. but this. but that. but what about it. but what about what???

i just want to lay here and be held. but i dont know if thats exactly the best way to slove the problem.

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sometimes it seems that im stuck. i don’t know why, but i am. it would be nice to lay back and relax, but i can’t. i’m not really stressed or depressed – im not at all. maybe, im just frustrated.

college isnt always what its cracked up to be. I live with 3 others girls in a two room, one bathroom, no kitchen, small living room college dorm. they are amazing. ive made friends i know i will have for the rest of my life.

the thing i guess thats killimg me is that ive begun to let people walk all over me, and thats just not me. i stand up for what i believe in and help as many as i can. but ive let them walk all over me. i wanted to help at first, but now that im somehow at their beck and call, im ready to give up. i find it more on an attention basis now than an actual medical problem. im just tried of forming my life around others. i have my own life: i have college, a family, a relationship, a job. im trying to lose myself in studying. i just dont want to carry around a burden on my chest.

the worst part is that i feel guilty. i just dont think thats fair.

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