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Archive for September, 2008

country music

beginning my freshman of college i have noticed that i always go back to how i was raised. I ditch everything i picked up from my friends along the years.

i listen to country music more than ever. i love journey like crazy, don’t get me worng, but i can’t get enough of it. i don’t know what it is, the connection? the lyrics? i really have no idea, but i’m hooked. maybe its the innocence of the music it’s self. it tells the truth even when its harder than hell to tell. and i can relate to almost every song that i hear. i don’t know what it is, it just makes me want curl up with a cup of tea and listen to the music while reading a book.

rocks. yes, the objects that are laying on the ground almost everywhere. i like them, i love them, i want some more of them. well, i’ve decieded that i’m changing my major to geology. at first i was dreading the course, but once i opened the textbook, i realized that this is the everyday thing that i’m interested in. ever since i can remember, i have been bringing home or collecting rocks. my dad always teases me about. and now i’m bringing what i love into my educational relm.

on top of everything else, i’m finding myself where i’ve always wanted to be. some of my embarresing girl ideas have come true. i’m finding that things are forming in ways i could have never imagined, but they are in the ways that i couldn’t have asked for more.

sometimes i feel gulity for what i have. it seems like something should be going wrong. and nothing is. it seems like i need to thank god or something, but at the same time im sruggling in that department too. i was raised in a church when i was young enough to notice the lady carrying around snakes and that only. i’m completely lost in my religion class. i know its an introductory class, but it seems that everyone else knows these stories and more. sometimes i would just like a clean and straight story when i pick up the bible and read it, but everytime the professor has us read a certain chapter or section, it has multipule accounts to one event. its the most confusing thing known to man. im lost, and i feel stupid to ask for help in that department. i mean i’m at a lutheran school, you would think i at least know the basic bible stories, but i even lack there.

its been strange at college. its been a month, and in this month, i’ve learned the most important thing: i’m who i am. i love my cowboy boots. i love rocks. i love country music. i love learning. my dreams are changing. i want to journey to see rock formations. i want to know who’s going to hold me tonight. and i can’t wait for the future. you always hear that some of the most important desicions that you make in life happen in college. i’m wondering if i’ll meet mr. right, or even if i will discover something really important. but that’s all the unknown and i have pleanty of time for that.

Trace Adkins quote:

“You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this”

-You’re gonna miss this

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last time i wrote it was over a year ago. at that time in my life i was at a low spot. now, i’ve completely changed. I’m not who i used to be. i’ve succeed in finding who i want to be, or at least who i strive to be. i don’t need the high school drama to have a life.

from this past year i learned more about myself then i can express. I mainly learned that i want to feel and my goal of personal happiness still is with me. i don’t want to be controlled by someone else; i don’t want to be taken for someone or something i’m not. i don’t have to run and hide my problems and create some more. i can face them, and i can face them alone because i have realized that i am stronger than i knew.

over this past year i have learned that my friends are more than i can ask for. if i didn’t have the one’s that i do, i don’t think i could be who i am now. they helped me find out who i was and gave me support in the tuffest times of my life. they held my hands when i shared my secrets and when we graduated and had to say our good-byes.

i have no regrets. i have no judgements. that was the past and i’m looking towards the future.

i’m a college student now. i’m a freshie again, but no more high school. this is college, and i reside at california lutheran university. i’m currently a liberal studies major, but i’m looking at changing to major in geology. what can i say? well, i love rocks. and the more i study them, the more i want to know. i’m interested in them. and i would rather major in something i want to learn instead of a career that i many never want to participate in.

i love my roommates. all three of them. we basically have a small two room appartment with no kitchen. i share a room with brittany (and she is freaking amazing beyond belief), and then there is kristina and anya. they have the bigger room, and they are just as amazing.

i’m finding that i need my family still, but not in the way of constant support or stability. i’m becoming an adult and they are starting to see that too. i’m no longer the child, but the oldest who is gonig to college, and the first of her family. i’m paying for college on my own. the loans are in my name; i put in the sweat and tears to earn my grants and scholarships. i’m proud of where i out myslef.

i’m in a relationship. and i’m happy. i don’t want to know how the world spins, i just want to enjoy the ride. i’m too young to plan out the rest of my life, but i’m old enough to make my own desicions. i’m old enough to know my limits and to know when my heart is racing in excitment. i’m where i want to be. i’m who i want to be and who i want to be with.

i’m sticking with a’chun an chi. it’s my motivation. it’s my personal goal. it’s what i strive. it hasn’t failed me. it’s going to be permenant with me once i get my tattoo.

journey quote:

“Im finally out in the clear and Im free
Ive got dreams Im livin for
Im movin on where theyll never find me
Rollin on to anywhere
Ill break away, yes Im on my way
Leavin today, yes Im on my way”

-Escape

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