Archive for November, 2006

hurt – johnny cash

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that’s real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar’s chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way


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why do some questions weigh down on a person? i mean if you really sould think about them, then why do feel so completely changed? i mean one simple question beginning with “if…” can have a bigger impact then a question beginning with “what about…”. why?

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“Hope is an anchor, and love is a ship
Time is the ocean and life is a trip
You don’t know where you’re going
Til you know where you’re at…”

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the whole way home i sat thinking on “am i really happy?” and i mean i literally sat there thinking about it.

and truth is no. im not happy. why? i dont know. i have more good things then bad, even though right know im going though a really had time.

i can be happy still with my knee problems and busy schedule. so why am i not hapy? i have no clue.

i decided that it depended on the little things in life, or the big. but the moments that shape who you are. im still young, so i quess i dont really know who i am. and thats pretty much true. im only now just beginning to discover who i am. im gonna be 17 soon so does that make me another year wise? i dont know.

i know there are moments that i become happy, but as an over-all im not. and maybe its not such a bad thing.

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so i’m finally letting go. on the 17th my dog was hit by a car and  killed. i has hurt and pissed off like no other. i have never lost anyone really close to me, only my animals. so now im back down to one dog. i had 2, now its one. and i was pretty damn close with my dog.

the 21st  took my other dog for a walk in the morning, like 6am, and found one of my two cats dead. he was hit by a car. it was devastated. 2nd animal in less than a week.  my cat was really special to me. he was fat and cuddly and respond to “child” other then his name.

and so i’ve had some big losses. and it’s weird. i mean it’s like having parts of my life ripped away. and its weird. ya i have my other dog and other cat, but ive gone so long with two dogs and two cats, that jumping down to just one doesnt seem right.

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stupid question.

so in speech we had to give speeches on “who we wan to be” if we didnt go to the tournament in AG. so i wrote the speech. second rate? more like third. it was one of those busy work assignments. gross one. i love kindred to death, but i hate busy work. i would have written about someone i admire because it actually makes you think. not “who you cant to me”.

i mean dont you want to be yourself? or is everyone just conforming to everyone else? i mean is it a crime to be who you want to be? cant i just sit back and say that i love my life and want to have it be only mine?

well not according to the prompt. i sat there tuning out everyone else as i thought up reasons why it was a stupid idea to talk about someone else.

i wanted to take about something more inportant. i wanted to talk about ideas. not like deep philosophy ideas, but ideas you dont think about very day. like why is it PB&J and not BB&J? why is it barbie and ken? stupid things that we never talk about that affect our everyday life. i mean why dont we talk about the stars and what they mean to us?

we dont we sit outside, soaking up the sun, developing skin cancer, talking about something that we may never talk about again. i mean  in school, we learn the standards, test on the standards, and are forced to only learn about the standards. why cant we learn about what we want to learn about? why cant we study heritage of hor families and present to the class? but no. we have to learn the standards.

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so i have decided that this break i want to relax. that wont be too hard if i follow the doctors orders … no up or down hill walking, no carring over 20 pounds, minimal walking, minimal sitting, etc… so basically the break so gonna suck.

the family is going camping to ride quads and i have to do minimal riding. worse thing ever. i cant say how must fustration this brings. eww. i hate it.

i hate it like i hate eggs.

i just dont want this.

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