scars and change.

its not hard to realize that things change. change is change. chemistry has change. the Earth is always changing. so why is it that when change happens to ourselves we become troubled? change is natural. its an everday occurance. but the thing is, we can’t handle change. we don’t like the fact that we must alter something about us. why, right? I would love to know why i can’t handle change. it would be nice, yes, very nice, if i knew.

i am a nice person. sometimes, i’m too nice of a person. I want to help people fix themselves. but i’ve realized i can’t . I can only try. i can only me be. I can’t rip my heart everytime. i don’t need more scars than necessary. i hate tearing myself open, only having to sew myself back up. My problem is that i feel too much. Scars are real.

When I think Tim McGraw…

I never had no one
I could count on
Ive been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin
So tired of searchin
til you walked into my life
It was a feelin
Id never known
And for the first time
I didnt feel alone

Youre more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I dont know where Id be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
Youre my best friend
Youre my best friend, oh yeah

You stand by me

And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
Youre right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love

Youre more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I dont know where Id be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
Youre my best friend
Youre my best friend

Youre more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I dont know where Id be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
Youre my best friend
Youre my best friend (my best friend)
Youre my best friend (my best friend)

Ahhh…. college procrastination

so i found somewhere that my lovely best friend said:Remember: The only thing that matters is just following your heart, and eventually you’ll finally get it right. w well now, i guess i shall say that im willing to live by her words. i’m not much of following what i want, but i just hope right now i know what i want. but has always just been for me to be happy.

well so much for writing my paper. I’ve done about 2 pages. it needs to be between 3-5. its a piece of cake once if i actually write. then i need to read 7 more articles and write responses on those. yay for not doing my work ahead of time.
i think that tangent time is over and i should unfortunatly get back to my paper.

its been a really long time…

its been over 5 months since i’ve written here.

I really don’t know what to say.  My life is changing drastically everyday. I laugh; I cry; I sing; I dance.

these last 8 months have been the hardest. ive been finding me, and let me tell you, its not easy at all.

i want to find some body that makes me happy. i cant tell id it’s sad or not, that i kinda want someone like my dad. cars, handy skills, that kind of stuff. i wouldn’t mind that. oh, and a love of fords and country music.

ive learned that i really love country music. i try to stay in touch with my roots of being choctaw. i would a new pair of cowboy boots, i seem to wear mine quite a lot. I want to lay under the stars and just stare.

i want so many things; im just scared that when i get them i may not want them anymore. like love.

im honestly and utterly scared to be in love. it would be so much easier if cupid could just stick us.

im rambling. its rather common.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ok i feel a little better.

but pain… i can bare. i just can’t bare yours.

last request

things have changed, and i rather like it. it’s time that i find who i really am instead of being the person that i wish i could be. i’m doing this school thing and i kinda like it. i’m discovering who my family really is. i’m learning more than i have ever expected – especially in these past few months.

school wise, i’m a geology major. i just like my rocks thats all. they keep me happy. i mean the fact that school costs more than i could ever imagine scares me sometimes, but i always find a way to pay for it.

friends are the family you get to choose. they have been with me every step of the way these last few months. i don’t even know where to being thanking them and finding a way to repay them. they know me better than myself sometimes.

health. let’s just not go there.

family… they are there for me every step of the way. it’s kinda hard that they can’t accept that i’m growing up after years of them pushing me to be independent and responsible. but when your the oldest you have to pave the road for the others to follow. but im also scared. my friend just lost his grandpa and i can’t ever imagine losing mine. he’s my world. he has my unconditional love and my heart. when and if he does leave, he’s taking my heart with him. i just can’t wait to see a smile on his face again.

i have a few new rocks, they’re pretty cool.

i’ve had two songs stuck in my head lately. i’m still trying to figure them out. but maybe its just nothing. none the less they are: 1) Last Request by Paolo Nutini; 2) Somewhere over the rainbow by IZ.

it’s time to keep A’CHUN AN CHI.

If I were a boy…

My friend showed me this song my Beyonce and i just cant get it out of my head. it’s call “if i were a boy”.

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy

i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach like something isnt right. i cant pin-point it, but im hurting. im not my self right now. all i want to do is sleep and forget out whats happening in my life. its only been this week. and i can’t take this. its not a part of my plan. im her to learn, not to hurt. im female and emotional, but an unexplainable feeling is just not cool. i keep checking my phone expecting for something to happen. but nothing is. and its all full of buts. but this. but that. but what about it. but what about what???

i just want to lay here and be held. but i dont know if thats exactly the best way to slove the problem.

sometimes it seems that im stuck. i don’t know why, but i am. it would be nice to lay back and relax, but i can’t. i’m not really stressed or depressed – im not at all. maybe, im just frustrated.

college isnt always what its cracked up to be. I live with 3 others girls in a two room, one bathroom, no kitchen, small living room college dorm. they are amazing. ive made friends i know i will have for the rest of my life.

the thing i guess thats killimg me is that ive begun to let people walk all over me, and thats just not me. i stand up for what i believe in and help as many as i can. but ive let them walk all over me. i wanted to help at first, but now that im somehow at their beck and call, im ready to give up. i find it more on an attention basis now than an actual medical problem. im just tried of forming my life around others. i have my own life: i have college, a family, a relationship, a job. im trying to lose myself in studying. i just dont want to carry around a burden on my chest.

the worst part is that i feel guilty. i just dont think thats fair.

country music

beginning my freshman of college i have noticed that i always go back to how i was raised. I ditch everything i picked up from my friends along the years.

i listen to country music more than ever. i love journey like crazy, don’t get me worng, but i can’t get enough of it. i don’t know what it is, the connection? the lyrics? i really have no idea, but i’m hooked. maybe its the innocence of the music it’s self. it tells the truth even when its harder than hell to tell. and i can relate to almost every song that i hear. i don’t know what it is, it just makes me want curl up with a cup of tea and listen to the music while reading a book.

rocks. yes, the objects that are laying on the ground almost everywhere. i like them, i love them, i want some more of them. well, i’ve decieded that i’m changing my major to geology. at first i was dreading the course, but once i opened the textbook, i realized that this is the everyday thing that i’m interested in. ever since i can remember, i have been bringing home or collecting rocks. my dad always teases me about. and now i’m bringing what i love into my educational relm.

on top of everything else, i’m finding myself where i’ve always wanted to be. some of my embarresing girl ideas have come true. i’m finding that things are forming in ways i could have never imagined, but they are in the ways that i couldn’t have asked for more.

sometimes i feel gulity for what i have. it seems like something should be going wrong. and nothing is. it seems like i need to thank god or something, but at the same time im sruggling in that department too. i was raised in a church when i was young enough to notice the lady carrying around snakes and that only. i’m completely lost in my religion class. i know its an introductory class, but it seems that everyone else knows these stories and more. sometimes i would just like a clean and straight story when i pick up the bible and read it, but everytime the professor has us read a certain chapter or section, it has multipule accounts to one event. its the most confusing thing known to man. im lost, and i feel stupid to ask for help in that department. i mean i’m at a lutheran school, you would think i at least know the basic bible stories, but i even lack there.

its been strange at college. its been a month, and in this month, i’ve learned the most important thing: i’m who i am. i love my cowboy boots. i love rocks. i love country music. i love learning. my dreams are changing. i want to journey to see rock formations. i want to know who’s going to hold me tonight. and i can’t wait for the future. you always hear that some of the most important desicions that you make in life happen in college. i’m wondering if i’ll meet mr. right, or even if i will discover something really important. but that’s all the unknown and i have pleanty of time for that.

Trace Adkins quote:

“You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this”

-You’re gonna miss this

it’s been over a year. i have more than a few things to say.

last time i wrote it was over a year ago. at that time in my life i was at a low spot. now, i’ve completely changed. I’m not who i used to be. i’ve succeed in finding who i want to be, or at least who i strive to be. i don’t need the high school drama to have a life.

from this past year i learned more about myself then i can express. I mainly learned that i want to feel and my goal of personal happiness still is with me. i don’t want to be controlled by someone else; i don’t want to be taken for someone or something i’m not. i don’t have to run and hide my problems and create some more. i can face them, and i can face them alone because i have realized that i am stronger than i knew.

over this past year i have learned that my friends are more than i can ask for. if i didn’t have the one’s that i do, i don’t think i could be who i am now. they helped me find out who i was and gave me support in the tuffest times of my life. they held my hands when i shared my secrets and when we graduated and had to say our good-byes.

i have no regrets. i have no judgements. that was the past and i’m looking towards the future.

i’m a college student now. i’m a freshie again, but no more high school. this is college, and i reside at california lutheran university. i’m currently a liberal studies major, but i’m looking at changing to major in geology. what can i say? well, i love rocks. and the more i study them, the more i want to know. i’m interested in them. and i would rather major in something i want to learn instead of a career that i many never want to participate in.

i love my roommates. all three of them. we basically have a small two room appartment with no kitchen. i share a room with brittany (and she is freaking amazing beyond belief), and then there is kristina and anya. they have the bigger room, and they are just as amazing.

i’m finding that i need my family still, but not in the way of constant support or stability. i’m becoming an adult and they are starting to see that too. i’m no longer the child, but the oldest who is gonig to college, and the first of her family. i’m paying for college on my own. the loans are in my name; i put in the sweat and tears to earn my grants and scholarships. i’m proud of where i out myslef.

i’m in a relationship. and i’m happy. i don’t want to know how the world spins, i just want to enjoy the ride. i’m too young to plan out the rest of my life, but i’m old enough to make my own desicions. i’m old enough to know my limits and to know when my heart is racing in excitment. i’m where i want to be. i’m who i want to be and who i want to be with.

i’m sticking with a’chun an chi. it’s my motivation. it’s my personal goal. it’s what i strive. it hasn’t failed me. it’s going to be permenant with me once i get my tattoo.

journey quote:

“Im finally out in the clear and Im free
Ive got dreams Im livin for
Im movin on where theyll never find me
Rollin on to anywhere
Ill break away, yes Im on my way
Leavin today, yes Im on my way”

-Escape

lost.

lately, i have avoided anything that involves thinking. why? well that means i think so school. and from school i drift to college thoughts. and from there i break down. im tired of thinking about college all the time.

i am tired of drama. the part that i have cause.

i got some rather unwanted news today. my reaction: i sat in the dirt and cried.

life never ceases to change. once you think that you have everything for that moment figured out, it turns upside down. i hate that your first idea is to run. and because it sounds good, you take it.

life isnt simple. and its not glamorous. i just want life to be simple. and it never is.